MOMENT

"Because I'm the same, but I'll never be the same." - Gerri, "Very Good Girls"

REALITY .VS. REALITY

Currently I've been craving for a dose of creativity, but lately, I've come up pretty dry. Every morning when I wake up (and a thousand times throughout the day) I shlep through my Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Pinterest feeds and I get this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. A nausea that has been too familiar; drained by the constant stream of information and thirst for new updates.

Given my history with depression and anxiety, I've learned maintaining my mental health is far more important than being consumed into a highly-idealized, editorial, narcissistic digital world.

Let me be real for a moment.

We live in a world where we are saturated with daily posts, likes, and comments. Most of the time it should be a good feeling to share, but sometimes, it's just inauthentic and dark. More "reality" than reality. On a daily basis I would feel like I wasn't doing enough in life, or my lack of social media activity meant my lack of a social life, or worst, negative thoughts about how alone and worthless I'd felt. I'm not overly sensitive, but I get trapped in the rabbit hole aka my mind. It's the worst.

One moment I would feel fine about my life - until I open Instagram. Then I'm thinking, 'I'm here at home, tired from a 9-to-5 job, and feeling fat. You have an incredible creative job, moved into a sweet apartment, and about to get married'. Who's the living the best life? Definitely not me.

But then the truth kicks in and I realize that it should not matter as social media is heavily edited, glorified, and filtered. I do not need to feel judged, seek approval, or have a fear of missing out because behind the scenes of those updates is an awful reality.

Real moment over.

Let us toast to our fictitious reality, pretend friends, and false intimacy.

READY, SET, GO?

I know I have neglected keeping this thing up to date and sharing some stories with you all. Not that I haven't had the time (because I do), but I've been wrapped up in some new changes in my life that I am still trying to get used to. There are mixed feelings about where my life is headed, but y'know the saying, "You don't know until you try." Right?

I hope so.

MESSY LIVES

Somewhere along the past year, I came to terms that I am a complete mental mess and oddly enough I became attracted to people who are just as unsorted and mixed up. 2014 changed me and to be honest, it's the wake-up call I may have needed. 

People with messy lives and dizzied brains like mine can have the ultimate connection. There's this sense of uniqueness that I've been looking for in people, whether they are acquaintances or friends; I crave for those who are living out of the boundaries, cultivating their universe, and searching for their souls.

DISTANCE - IT'S FOR THE BEST

From my Tumblr post back in 2011 in which I think is relevant then, now, and forever:

I have come to accept the truth that the friends I once knew well and have become reliant upon are but (almost) strangers now. As we move on with our lives we make friends, make memories with them, grow our separate ways, find new friends, and the cycle starts over again. Now and then we all keep in touch, hang out on weekends, or do something together, but soon enough we drift apart and no one feels guilty about it. Everyone changes and to simply put it, sooner or later we all start to become strangers to one another. Sad to say, it’s just part of life. //

It's that part of adult life when you realize all the friends you need can be counted by the number of fingers on your hand(s). Life moves on, gets difficult and you should know who will always be right there with you. I know exactly who to call when I need to make an emergency trip to Disneyland, who I know will enjoy a stupid Seth Rogen comedy just because, who is always down for a concert in LA, and who is more than willing to knee deep in a ridiculous 5am warehouse sale. And look at that, they all can be counted on one hand. :) It's rare to find the unique individuals who will enter your life and stay there for good. Trust me.

Think about the friends you have right now. Are those people your friends because you simply have history (and can't just cut the cord because it'd be a waste of a decade long friendship) or because they make you feel great at the end of the day. Put forth the energy in a friendship that will commit and empower you both. It's a good feeling to have a few good friends than those handful of acquaintances who will fade in and out. Quality over quantity, my beautiful readers. Redefine friendships and know when it's worth it and when it's not.

THE START

Writing has always been an interest of mine, and a skill that I continuously want to improve. It clears my head and frees my soul and mends a few strained hearts. People have diaries; I, on the other hand, have the internet. It's always been a place where anyone can write and not necessarily be understood. A place for this dizzied brain of mine.

This is gonna be a wild ride, but I hope you (and even I) stick around and see where this goes. 

Pour yourself a glass of your drinking pleasure and order two boxes of pizza and we can pretend to be kickin' it together.

illustration by Matt Blease